Matters of Life and Death
by DwayneA
Summary: A parody of Spike's Hit Series "1000 Ways To Die", featuring characters from Futurama meeting their untimely demise in ways that are graphic, disturbing, and sometimes humourous! Work In Progress!
1. Jump N Bump

Note From the Author: This piece of fiction is based off the hit Spike network  
series "1000 Ways To Die".

Death is everywhere, even in the world of cartoons. Most cartoon characters try  
to avoid it, others can't get out of its way. Some are unlucky enough to get  
killed off permanently. As for the rest, the fact that they survive or are  
resurrected for another episode is a miracle.

But let's face it, cartoons aren't real life.

The stories portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely  
graphic. Names don't have to be changed to protect the identities of the  
deceased because everybody already knows who they are. Do not attempt to try any  
of the actions depicted. YOU WILL DIE! And if you are stupid enough to still  
try, YOU WILL DESERVE IT!

"Jump N Bump"

Ever hear the saying, "Nice guys finish last"? That used to apply to Phillip J.  
Fry. On the eve of the millenium when he was cyrogenitically frozon, Fry had  
just been dumped by his girlfriend for another man. His job as a pizza delivery  
boy was going nowhere.

Now that he was thawed out into the thirty-first century, Fry seems to fit in  
just right. He has a good job as a delivery boy with Planet Express, lots of new  
friends, and a new love-life. In other words, Fry is a lot happier than he ever  
was. When he's not working, he spends much of his time watching television,  
drinking slurm, and talking about how much better life has changed since the  
twentieth century, similar to those stories your grandfather tells you starting  
with "Back in my day..."

Fry is a nice guy, but like all people, he has one fatal flaw. And of course,  
that will be the cause of his demise. Fry may be the heart and soul of Planet  
Express, but he is nowhere near being the brains of the operation. In fact, Fry  
is one of the stupidest people you will ever meet. He makes the duo from Dumb  
and Dumber look like a pair of Einsteins. If life ran on stupidity, Fry would  
live to a ripe old age, or even achieve immortality. But if he did, we wouldn't  
have much of a story to tell here, would we?

We join Fry as he is watching his one of his favorite television shows, "Extreme  
Lamebrains", the next-generation of MTV's "Jackass" tv series. Many people watch  
this kind of show, most of them are adolescent males.

There are two ways to deal with this kind of program. The smart way is to remain  
seated and keep watching. Then there's the stupid way: imitation. People believe  
they can do better than what they see on tv.

Right now, the lamebrains on Fry's show are going bungee jumping.

"The chicks just love a man who is a daredevil," one man says.

This of course puts some ideas in Fry's head. Not good ones that is.

"I can totally do this!" Fry says to himself. Fry believes that if he can pull  
off a stunt like this, he'll totally impress Leela.

If Fry had the common-sense to stop and think things through, such as what could  
go wrong...oh nevermind. Fry however will soon learn why they came up with the  
slogan "Kids, don't try this at home!"

Later that day, Fry is standing atop the balcony of Farnsworth's laboratory with  
a rope tied around one of his legs. The other end of the rope is tied to one  
of the steel railings of the balcony.

Down below, he sees Leela amongst the crowd that has began to form.

"Fry, what are you doing up there?" she calls up to him.

"Hey Leela!" Fry calls back. "Check this out!"

Leela of course is worried that Fry is up to something stupid. And she's right.

"Fry, come down from there right now!" she says.

"Whatever you say Leela!" Fry announces. "I'm coming down!" And he jumps off the  
balcony.

"No! Not like that you idiot!" Leela cries. "Have you got a death wish or  
something?"

Fry never gets a chance to reply as the top of his skull hits the pavement.  
There's a sickening crunching crack that pierces everyone's eardrums. Screams  
echo up from the crowd.

"Fry!" Leela pushes her way to the front of the crowd and runs over to his side.  
"Are you...oh my god!"

Fry is lying motionless on the street, a pool of blood spreading from the top of  
his head. It doesn't take a genious to know that Fry is dead.

Fry's lack of intelligence as I said is the cause of his demise. Why? Fry made a  
fatal error while preparing his bungee jump: he didn't measure the rope  
correctly, it was far too long. As a result, the rope made no attempt to stop  
Fry's head from hitting the pavement with enough force to shatter the top of his  
skull. Broken bone fragments imbedded into his brain, causing massive  
hemorrhaging. The top of his cerebrum was also crushed by the impact, sending  
him into cardiac arrest.

Fry was already a brain dead moron when he tried this stunt. Now, he's just  
plain dead. You know what they say...stupid is as stupid dies!


	2. TurangOuch

"Turang-Ouch!"

Turanga Leela is the captain of the Planet Express ship. Just looking at her,  
you'd think of her as a cyclops, a mythical monster in greek mythology with only  
one eye. Just don't call her "One Eye" as it brings back bad memories of her  
childhood in an orphanage. Kids can be so cruel, can't they?

The truth is, Leela is not an alien, but a mutant. Because she is the least  
mutated human in the history of mutantkind, her parents sent her up to the  
surface so she could have a normal life. Apparently, mutants are forced to live  
in the sewers because society considers them freaks. Just a word of caution:  
leave your prejudice out the door when you meet Leela. She's a tough woman,  
she'll kick your ass quicker than you can say...well...just about anything.

How does a girl like Leela keep in shape? The same way many young athletic  
people do: exercising and playing sports. Leela's name is famous in the sporting  
world. She's set a record as the worst Blernsball player of all time. Blernsball  
is the future's verion of America's favorite pastime: Baseball.

Um...on second thought, "famous" isn't really the right word.

Ever since, Leela's had a hard time finding a team where she can play for in  
other sports: soccer, basketball, curling, you name it. After all, if she's the  
worst Blernsball player of all time, people assume she must be a lousy player  
in anything else.

One day, Leela is watching a woman's basketball team practise at the local  
college. During practise, one of the girls trips over an untied shoelace and  
falls. She sits up, clutching her knee and moaning in agony. The other ladies  
gather around.

"What's wrong Sally?" asked one of them.

"My knee...! I think I broke it!" Sally moans.

"Well that's just great!" The team captain says. "Where are we going to find a  
temporary replacement?"

Leela hears this and gets an idea. "What about me?" she calls out to the captain.

At this point, the team is desperate so they sign her on to replace Sally.

"What the heck!" the captain says, "it's just for one game only."

On the night of the big game, Leela is dressed in Sally's uniform, ready to play  
her hardest. In the audience are all her friends, co-workers, and her parents to  
whom she sent day-passes so they could come up to the surface and watch their  
daughter play.

But to Leela, this isn't just a game. This is a chance to redeem her honor in the  
sporting world. As a result, Leela takes the game much more seriously. It's not  
about having fun. And it's not just about winning, it's about honor and glory.

Leela is shooting hoops and scoring more points than Michael Jordon in his  
boyhood. The audience is cheering her on, but her teammates are getting  
frusterated that Leela won't be a team player.

Finally, near the end of the fourth quarter, Leela performs a dunk that breaks  
the hoop and net off the stand. Once more the crowd goes wild. As Leela performs  
a victory dance, the stand's support, rusty from time and weakened by Leela's  
powerful dunk topples forward.

"Leela, look out!" Turanga Morris and Mundy yell to their daughter.

Leela stops her victory dance and turns around to see the stand falling toward  
her. But by now, it's too late to get out of the way. Even her angered teammates  
are horrified as the structure pins her to the ground.

The cheers of the crowd turn to screams of horror. About a dozen people hurry  
onto the court to free Leela. Among them are Morris, Mundy, and Fry. Together  
everyone lifts the fallen stand off Leela, but when they see her face, they are  
met with a gruesome spectacle. Blood is pooling down her face from her eye which  
has a gaping bleeding hole in it. The jagged metal where the hoop broke off is  
stained with fresh blood.

"Holy s(beep)!" Fry screams. He quickly turns around and vomits. The sight is  
too much for his stomach (and his heart) to bear.

The broken metal hoop support left when the hoop broke off impaled itself through  
Leela's single eye. Being larger than the eyes of a normal human, her eye was an  
easier target. The spike punctured through her eye and imbeds itself in her  
brain, rupturing a majory artery in her cerebrum. She was dead within seconds  
from fatal brain damage and internal bleeding of her cerebrum.

Leela tried to redeem her name in the sporting world by hogging all the glory.  
But she learned the hard way there is no "I" in team. But there is also no "I" in  
Leela. Literally, figuratively, and really!


	3. Crushtacean

"Crush-tacean"

Ever get the feeling that life has it out for you? Do you ever ask, "Why me  
God?" And do you swear to have heard, "No offense but your name just came up!"?  
If so, look at it this way: you could have it much worse...as in the case of  
Zoidberg.

Zoidberg is the doctor at Planet Express and not a very good one too. He's a  
poor doctor, financially and professionally. A double play on words that is.

Zoidberg is basically the future's version of Charlie Brown from the Peanuts  
comic strip. He has no friends, everyone hates him for no apparent reason, and  
nothing ever seems fair. But luckily, Zoidberg has the sympathy of Futurama's  
fans, all of whom sympathize with underdogs.

Years ago, Zoidberg became a hero when he saved Earth from being enslaved by  
his own species. Yet as time goes on, people forget, and Zoidberg has once more  
faded into obscurity, unloved and living a life without purpose, without hope,  
without happiness.

Zoidberg's mood can be best described as "in the dumps". Ironically, that's  
where he lives!

"When no one understands you, or the little things that you do..."

We join Zoidberg as he sits in the dumpster, singing a song to hopefully  
attract sympathizers. So far, it's not working. Once more, Zoidberg has had  
a bad day. It was his birthday today and as usual, no one cared. No one sang  
"Happy Birthday". No one shared his cake with him. No presents to open. No  
birthday cards. Nothing. All his other co-workers had other things to do. Hermes  
had to work. Amy had to wash her hair. Bender had to drink beer. And Fry...  
oh forget it, you get the picture.

Not even Turanga Leela, another outcast because of her single eye shows pity.  
She would rather hang out with her mutant family in the sewers than spend a  
day celebrating Zoidberg's special day.

Poor Zoidberg. Someone should put him out of his misery and brighten his spirit.  
Luckily for the doctor, someone does care. Unluckily, not in the way he hopes  
for. For that someone is the grim reaper itself.

"Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen! Nobody knows my sorrow! Nobody knows the  
trouble I've seen! No! No! Noooooooooooo!"

Unfortunately, Zoidberg's troubles are only about to get worse.

Without warning, there's a sudden jolt. Had Zoidberg not buried himself under  
all the garbage for warmth during the cold night, and had he not been singing  
his heart out, he would have seen and heard an approaching garbage truck. The  
dumpster is picked up and its contents are dumped into the truck, including  
Zoidberg. Another dumpster is emptied in the same manner, dumping more garbage  
on top of the doctor.

"Hey!" Zoidberg shouts. "Stop! Someone's in here!"

Unfortunately, the driver of the garbage truck is busy listening to his favorite  
music station and he has the volume turned up, so Zoidberg's cries for help  
fall on deaf ears. More bad news, he activates the compactor, beginning the  
process of crushing and compacting the contents of the truck.

Zoidberg continues to shout for help and whoop, but to no avail. Eventually,  
the garbage piled up on top of him compresses down upon his chest, preventing  
his lungs from expanding and taking in oxygen. Mercifully, Zoidberg passes out  
from crush-asphyxiation before the rising pressure upon his body from the  
compactor compressing all that garbage causes his bones to break and his  
internal organs to rupture. Death occurs from massive internal bleeding.

By the time the sanitation department found what was left of Zoidberg, it had  
to be cleaned out with a bucket and a mop.

They say life is a gift, but to Zoidberg, life was a curse. Zoidberg died the  
way he lived: horribly. But considering the circumstances of his life, death was  
considered an act of great kindness.

Rest in peace Zoidberg. Or rather, considering the circumstances of your death,  
pieces! (drumroll and rimshot)


	4. What's Wong With Me?

"What's Wong With Me?"

It's a fact of life: give a girl a hot body, a beautiful face, a slender figure,  
and big boobs, she's going to attract a lot of attention from the opposite  
sex. And if she's promicious...well, you get the idea.

Amy Wong is a former intern at Planet Express who recently graduated from  
Mars University, and now has her doctorate. Still, she's not as smart as the  
professor or Hermes. But her one specialty is her ability to attract attention  
from guys. She's made love with so many guys, it's enough to make a nymphomaniac  
jealous.

In the future, Mars has been colonized. Amy grew up on the farm her parents  
owned and managed. Typical of the stereotypical farmer's daughter, she's sweet  
and smoking hot. Considering her promicious lifestyle, it's amazing and  
surprising that she has yet to give her parents grandchildren.

However, since settling down with DOOP luitenant Kif Kroker, Amy's promicious  
lifestyle has been a little cool. Still, every once in a while, some other  
guy gets lucky.

Have you figured out how Amy will lose her life in this story? You have at  
least one clue...

Whenever she gets off from work, Amy likes to stop by her favorite coffee shop  
for a drink. On this occassion, while she's sipping her drink, a handsome guy  
comes to her table.

"Amy Wong? Is that really you?" he asks.

Amy looks up at him. "Joe?" She smiles, recognizing an old schoolmate. "I haven't  
seen you since high school! How long has it been? Ten years?"

Joe sits down at the table, gets a coffee. The two schoolmates have a little  
reunion with just the two of them. Both have a lot to catch up on. After high  
school, Joe has been working and living in another city. Amy also learns that  
he got involved with drug use, but quickly kicked the habit.

"A lot has happened since the last time I saw you," said Joe. "We have so  
much to catch up on!" His eyes twinkling with fond memories. "There is so much  
to talk about. Perhaps we could further discuss it over dinner?"

"Joe, I'm really flattered, but, you see...the thing is...I already have a  
steady boyfriend."

Joe doesn't flinch at all with disappointment. "Well, yes of course," he says.  
"I didn't mean to imply anything. It's just that..."

He struggles to speak. Part of him doesn't want to upset Amy.

"As long as we're being honest...I too have a confession to make."

He sighs and looks straight into Amy's eyes. "I'm dying."

Amy is horrified at what she hears. "What? Oh Joe, that's terrible!"

"It's cancer. The doctor says I only have two weeks left to live. My only regret  
in life is that I never got to be with a woman and experience the joy of  
romance."

Normally, most women would be suspicious. Many times a man has played upon a  
woman's sympathies just to take advantage of her. Amy of course has a soft spot  
for guys crying out for sympathy. That's one reason she was attracted to Kif.

Amy takes Joe back to her apartment that night. With Kif away on leave with  
DOOP, the two can have some privacy. Although Amy is twinged with guilt over  
cheating on Kif, it's just a one night stand. Besides, what Kif doesn't know  
can't hurt him.

It starts off with wine. After the drinks come necking, which evolves into  
kissing and petting. Soon, both are moaning in pleasure under the bedsheets.

Nothing like a little affair to spark up a sex life, right Amy?

When they are done, Joe puts his clothes back on. "Thank you Amy for this  
pleasure. Now I can die fulfilled. Even if I die tomorrow, I don't care!"

Amy doesn't realize it, but when she and Joe exchanged bodily fluids, she signed  
her own death warrant. How? Read on and find out.

Ironically, Joe does die the following day, the victim of a mugging. Amy hears  
about this in the paper. She's deeply sad about the death of her friend, but  
she's also feeling guilty about being unfaithful to Kif.

As the days pass, Amy begins to feel a little under the weather. Even despite  
the fact that it is spring and the last of the winter snow has just recently  
melted, Amy finds herself shivering while her forehead feels warm. She starts  
coughing and develops a sore throat and stuffed nose.

"I think I have a fever!" she says to her co-workers.

Zoidberg takes her temperature. Normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees  
Farenheit. Amy's body temperature is at 100 degrees.

"Go home and get some rest," said Hermes. "Do not bother coming back until  
you are well."

Don't worry. She won't.

By the end of one week after developing symptoms of a fever, Amy is feeling no  
better. In fact, her condition has only worsened. Normally, a fever goes away  
after a few days.

What exactly is causing Amy's detoriating health? Have you figured it out yet?  
No? Well time for an explaination.

Joe was telling the truth when he said he had once taken drugs. But one day, he  
made the biggest mistake a drug user can make: he shared a needle. Sharing  
needles is very dangerous because the needle can get infected with bacteria and  
disease from the person who used it and injected it into their bloodstream. The  
person Joe shared a needle with was a carrier of the deadly AIDS virus. The  
person he shared with didn't know this and unknowingly infected Joe with AIDS.  
Later, when Joe had sex with Amy, he unknowingly passed the virus into her.

AIDS is also known as Aquired Immune Defiency Syndrome because it attacks the  
immune system, weakening the body's ability to fight disease. People infected  
with AIDS become sick easily and stay sick for longer. People don't die from  
AIDS, they die from the infections and diseases that invade their bodies that  
the weakened immune system can't fight.

The body produces white blood cells to fight disease and kill germs. A person  
infected with AIDS will find themselves totally vulnerable to any sickness.

Joe was already infected with an advanced case of AIDS. So when he passed on  
his sperm into Amy during intercourse, the virus entered her bloodstream and  
infected her whole body. Once infected, Amy's immune system was gradually  
weakened.

Even in the future, there is still no cure for this epidemic.

Two weeks after having sex with Joe, Amy's is sitting on the edge of her bed,  
clad only in her underwear, painting her toenails, Her bodacious body is  
fighting a losing battle where there is no hope of victory.

Suddenly, Amy stops cold. She drops her nail brush, falls forward to the floor  
and lies still.

For Amy's hot body, the long seige is finally over. The price of defeat? Death.

Amy's fever had raised her internal body temperature to 107 degrees up to a point  
that cannot sustain life. Blood cells carrying oxygen, minerals, and proteins  
were destroyed and her vital organs shut down.

There's a lesson to be learned from Amy's death. Girls, always make sure you  
get to know a guy well before you have sex. Don't lead a promicious lifestyle.  
But most of all, always wear the proper protection whatever your gender whenever  
you make love.

Hey, that's why it's called safe sex!


	5. Birthday Bash

"Birthday Bash"

Ladies, are you looking for the ideal man? Look no further than Zapp Brannigan. Handsome, charming, and ambitious, Zapp Brannigan, captain of DOOP is every single lady's dream man...unless of course you are a feminist, because Zapp is also crude, obnoxious, arrogant, egotisical, narcisstic, not to mention incredibly chauvenistic.

Even despite all the rights that women have become entitled to and that they are equals to males, Zapp Brannigan is one of those pigheaded guys who still hold on to their self-righteous beliefs that women are nothing more than sex objects useful only for pleasing the male sex.

Face it ladies, you know he's going to die in this story, and believe me, you're gonna be happy!

Zapp Brannigan has his own book of offensive pickup lines which he likes to use on ladies. He's more likely to get slapped in the face than get laughed at. But the captain's got his pride. He's got to, after all, luitenant Kif Kroker is far more successful in the romance department than his own captain.

Above all other women, Zapp favours one above all else: Turanga Leela. Ever since he tricked her into having pity sex with him years ago, he's become obsessed with the belief that they were made to be together. His repeated attempts to maintain a relationship and woo her all border on harrassment and stalking. Even if she had taken out a restraining order against him, it wouldn't faze him one bit. What Zapp wants, Zapp gets.

He'll certainly get something for sure!

It's Turanga Leela's birthday and everyone has gathered to wish our favorite mutant well. Friends, co-workers, and family. Everyone is having fun. What could possibly go wrong?

Ooops, too late. I said those five words.

Leela is about to open the last of her presents, a large tall one, when suddenly, the wrapping paper tears itself apart as Zapp Brannigan steps out. "Surprise!" he shouts.

Leela groans. "Zapp, you weren't invited!"

"I hope you like your present!" said Zapp. "I present myself to you. Ha! Get it? Present myself to you?" He laughs and slaps his knees. No one else is amused.

"What are you doing here?" Leela demands folding her arms over her chest.

"Come on Leela, you know I would never forget your birthday," said Zapp. "Hey did you leave some cake for me?" He pushes himself past her and cuts himself a piece of the cake which hasn't yet been cut yet.

"Hey!" Fry protests. "The birthday girl is supposed to get the first piece!"

"Oh go stuff yourself shrimp," said Zapp.

Zapp and Fry have been pining for Leela's affections for many years now. Still, Leela prefers Fry's stupidity over Zapp's sexism.

"Look Zapp, you aren't supposed to be here," said Leela.

"Oh come on Leela!" said Zapp putting down his plate. "Surely you haven't forgotten your feelings for me?"

The only thing Leela feels towards this pig is disgust and hate. She has regretted sleeping with him out of pity ever since.

"What feelings? There never were any!" said Leela pointing a finger in his face. "Get it through that big fat skull of yours!"

Zapp grins. "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little while?"

Bad move Zapp. Now you are about to learn that women aren't all that weak. While the women in the room are all too eager to throw Zapp out, Leela beats them to it.

Leela suddenly clenches a fist and with a fierce battle cry, swings at Zapp, hitting him in the side of the head with enough force to knock him sideways. He falls off balance and hits his head on the edge of the coffee table and lies motionless upon the floor, his face a mask of surprise and pain.

Everyone cheers (especially the women present).

"Way to go girl!" Labarbara cheers.

Leela feels very proud of herself. But then she notices Kif kneeling by the captain's motionless body. Blood is beginning to pool around Zapp's head.

Kif checks his captain for a pulse but finds nothing.

"He's dead!" Kif announces. Everyone gasps. Even Leela is shocked at this news.

When Leela punched Zapp, she did so with enough force to cause his brain to rattle inside of his skull. The brain collided with the inside of the skull and caused brain damage and internal bleeding of the cerebrum. The impact with the edge of the coffee table split his skull and caused more brain damage and bleeding. Death was instantaneous.

Zapp Brannigan was a chauvenistic pig, a disgrace to mankind. He gave the male sex a bad name. But Leela did everyone a favor and taught him a lesson. And now he's dead.

There. Aren't you happy?


	6. Wrinkilled

"Wrin-killed"

Once in a great while, someone discovers something so amazing that humanity's way of life is forever altered, for better or for worse. First came fire. Then came electricity. Splitting the atom. And so much more.

In the future, science has had many remarkable discoveries to have a profound impact on humanity's way of life. Obviously, medical care and health benefits are among them as the average lifespan has been raised to above a century. Still, not many people live to be that old.

Who are these people responsible for mankind's way of life and the path we now follow? These people are scientists. People like Farnsworth, one of the greatest scientific minds to grace humanity.

Farnsworth is over one hundred and sixty years old, although it is rumoured that his age is older than that after bathing in the Fountain of Aging. He is the head of Planet Express where our favorite delivery crew work. He is also Fry's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great...oh screw it...nephew, making him a distant (and I do mean distant) descendant of Fry's brother Yancey.

So far, Farnsworth has been lucky to live so long. So would anybody who lives to be over a hundred. But his luck will soon run out.

"Good news everyone!" Farnsworth announces to the crew as they sit down at the meeting table. "I have made a remarkable discovery!"

"What is it professor?" asked Fry.

"Get to the point already you old fart!" said an impatient Bender.

"I Professor Farnsworth," Farnsworth announces proudly, "have discovered a way to eliminate wrinkles!"

No one seems particularily impressed.

"But professor," said Amy, "none of us here have wrinkles."

"What are you blind?" asked Farnsworth. "I do! I'm covered in wrinkles! That's what happens when you get old!"

"Professor, you're so old," said Bender.

"How old is he?" everyone asks.

"He's so old, he knew!" said Bender. (Drumroll and rimshot)

Everyone laughs, except Farnsworth.

"Go ahead and laugh!" said the professor. "You won't be laughing when you see how much younger I look thanks to this!"

He holds up a small bottle. "This chemical is a muscle contractor which will eliminate wrinkles. I intend to test it upon myself immediately."

"Are you sure that's safe professor?" asked Leela.

"Of course I'm sure!" said Farnsworth. "That's why I'm a scientist and you're just a bunch of delivery people! I'll see you all around. And in case you don't recognize me, I'll be the handsome wrinkle-free geezer!"

A little later, Farnsworth is in Zoidberg's medical clinic.

"Professor, are you sure you want me to do this?" asked Zoidberg. Even he is a bit worried that something may go wrong.

"Just do it!" Farnsworth orders.

"If you say so," said Zoidberg. He fills a syringe with the chemical and makes several injections into various spots on Farnsworth's face.

"If something does go wrong," said Zoidberg. "It's not my fault. Just don't come complaining to me when something goes wrong. Just remember, we warned you."

"Shut up!" said Farnsworth.

Farnsworth doesn't realize it, but he signed his own death certificate when Zoidberg pumped the chemical into his own face. It turns out the chemical was something called "Botox". Botox is a muscle relaxant that can cause paralysis.

Later that day, Farnsworth has a terrible headache. "This does not feel right," he says rubbing his temple with both hands. "Maybe a hot bath will help me relax."

Bad idea professor. And bad timing too!

Later, as Farnsworth sits in the tub, the toxic chemicals course throughout his system, paralyzing his muscles and stiffening his joints. In other words, he's completely paralyzed. In his numb state, Farnsworth is powerless to save himself as he slips beneath the surface. As he sinks, water pours into his mouth and fills his lungs, making breathing impossible. As a result, he drowns in his own bathtub.

Farnsworth tried to cheat the aging process and make himself look younger. But in the end, he indeed found a way to stop aging...by dying. At his funeral, everyone agreed on one thing.

"He has never looked better!"


	7. ChemiKill

"Chemi-kill"

People choose their path in life depending on many factors: enjoyment, skills they possess, a desire to help others, or just to satisfy their desire for personal glory.

Wernstrom is a scientist, but he's not interested in helping humanity. What he truly cares about is making a name for himself in the scientific world. And he doesn't care about who he has to step on in order to achieve his goals. Fame and glory are a confection, but Wernstrom doesn't just want a piece, he wants the whole bloody cake.

But he's also one of a kind. He chose his path in persuit of revenge. Wernstrom is an example of what happens to a man who won't forgive or forget. Ever since his former mentor and teacher Farnsworth didn't give him the score he believed he deserved back in university, Wernstrom has vowed revenge against the professor, even if it took him a hundred years. He did the exact same thing when Farnsworth saved the Earth from a giant meteor constructed out of the planet's garbage, foiling his own plans to do the same and become a hero to the people of Earth.

A hundred years sure is a long time to hold a grudge isn't it?

Even today, their rivalry continues. And so the feud goes on.

The upcoming science convention is a gathering for the world's greatest scientists and their recent discoveries and experiments. Farnsworth and Wernstrom are competing as usual to win.

Farnsworth is in his laboratory, mixing chemicals and noting their reactions, when suddenly, the door opens. In walks Wernstrom.

"What are you doing here?" asked Farnsworth.

"It never hurts to analyze the competition," said Wernstrom. "What are you doing?"

"None of your business!" said Farnsworth.

"Anyway," said Wernstrom. "I was wondering if I could borrow some of your flasks. That klutz of an assistant of mine broke all mine."

"Alright already," said Farnsworth, "help yourself and get out!"

Wernstrom takes a couple of flasks, but that's not what he's here to "borrow". He actually has plenty of flasks back at his laboratory. He lied to win Farnsworth's trust. What he's really after are the professor's notes. He intends to steal Farnsworth's idea and present it himself to win all the glory, and hopefully make out Farnsworth as a plagarist.

After Wernstrom pockets another flask, he peeks over Farnsworth's should to look at his notebook. Bad timing Wernstrom, because at that moment, Farnsworth mixes together two chemicals. The mixing of these two chemicals releases a cloud of gas that engulfs both scientists.

Wernstrom starts screaming in agony. "My eyes! I can hardly see!"

Farnsworth isn't at all affected because he obeyed the most important rule about working in a laboratory: always wear safety goggles.

"Serves you right for not wearing safety goggles!" scoffs Farnsworth.

Wernstrom blindly stumbles about as his vision blurs, damaged by the toxic cloud. His hands flail, knocking over test tubes, flasks, and other equipment. And then he spots his salvation: a small tub of water. One dunk and the toxic chemicals wrecking havoc on his eyes will wash away.

Wernstrom makes his way towards the tub and dunks his face into the water. A few seconds pass. But then, he pulls himself away, screaming even more intensely, his hands covering his face. A sickening sizzling sound is barely heard over his screams of agony. But then his screams die down and he is quiet. His hands lower, revealing a face with portions of skin eaten away. And then, he crashes to the floor...dead.

That tub of water was actually filled with hydrochloric acid, an extremely corrosive liquid. Farnsworth was using it to dispose of a few things he found in his office and his laboratory that he no longer needed. When Wernstrom dunked his face into the corrosive liquid, it burned through his skin, fried his eyes, and poured into his mouth. The acid ate away his esophogus and destroyed his internal organs: his stomach, his intestines, lungs, and his heart. Massive organ failure ended the ancient rivalry once and for all.

There's an old saying: Forgiveness is devine. Wernstrom had eternally chosen the path of revenge in the name of his wounded pride. He tried to steal Farnsworth's ideas and make them his own. But his plan backfired and karma did the rest.

In your face Wernstrom! In your face!


	8. Scruffed Off

"Scruffed Off"

Every company employs one person to clean up after everybody. That person is called a janitor. Janitors make their living cleaning up and tidying the building. From scrubbing toilets to mopping the floor, janitors are typically the housekeepers of a company.

Most janitors are male, proving that men can and will do housework. But would you like to meet the laziest janitor of all?

Say "hi" to Scruffy. Scruffy is the janitor at Planet Express. Scruffy should have been sacked long ago, but since nobody else wanted the job, and since nobody can get rid of stubborn scuff marks the way he does (when he does work that is), the company continues to employ him.

Scruffy makes his home in the boiler room of Planet Express. Whenever he's on his break, (which is pretty much often), Scruffy likes to kick back and read naughty magazines. He has a subscription to lingerie magazines containing pictures of beautiful voluptuous women clad in scant underwear. Brassieres, panties, you name it, he reads it.

For Scruffy, reading naughty magazines isn't just a way to pass the time, it's an addiction. Just as a workaholic values his job or an alcoholic places alcohol on pedestals, Scruffy is addicted to naughty magazines.

Addictions can place a tremendous strain on a person's life as the addiction becomes more important than work, than family, than friends. It's something they just can't live without. Sometimes, an addiction can have deadly consequences, particularily those who do drugs or alcohol. Or in Scruffy's case, those who read naughty magazines.

How? Read on Matters of Life and Death fans and find out.

Today, when Scruffy came to work, he received the new issue of Zero-G Juggs. He sits back on his mattress and reads, licking his fingers everytime he turns the page. Beautiful young buxom women smile back at him as he turns the pages.

Even when his break ends, Scruffy still won't put down the magazine. Even as he prepares his cleaning mixture for mopping the floor. First he pours in the water, then he pours in some bleach. All this while focusing on a picture of a beautiful large breasted scantily clad blonde. He won't take his eyes off her. It's as if it's the most important thing in his life right now.

But Scruffy is about to pay the price for not paying attention to what he is doing. For at that moment, he picks up another bottle of cleaning fluid and pours it into the bucket of water and bleach.

Seconds later, a greenish cloud erupts from the bucket and engulfs the inattentive janior. Scruffy drops the bottle and starts choking as he grabs at his eyes. The magazine falls from his clutch and into the bucket. Blindly, he stumbles torward the door to the boiler room as the cloud continues to grow and fill the room together with his cries of anguish. A strong bitter stench fills his nostrils.

Within a minute, the cloud has filled the entire boiler room chamber. Scruffy manages to open the door and crawl out to freedom and fresh air, but it's already too late. He collapses to the floor and lays still.

Had Scruffy focused on the job instead of the juggs, he would have noticed that the second bottle he poured into the bucket of water and bleach was ammonia. But since he didn't know his chemistry, it probably wouldn't have made much difference. The combination of bleach and ammonia released a deadly cloud of chlorine gas. Once inhaled into his lungs, the toxic chemicals within the cloud ate away at his lungs, preventing him from taking in oxygen. Since human beings need to breath oxygen to live, Scruffy suffocated to death.

Scruffy was a lazy janitor who was still quite capable of cleaning up after others when he wanted to. But the only mess he couldn't clean up was the one left behind by his own corpse.


	9. Tonight's Menu : Deep Fry

"Tonight's Menu: Deep Fry"

Thought you'd seen the last of Phillip J. Fry? Then explain how he was there when Leela got offed in "Turang-ouch!". As I said earlier, cartoons aren't real life.

We join Fry as he is once again doing something fans of Futurama know him for: trying to get Leela to go out with him. Yes I know Leela is alive despite getting killed off in "Turang-ouch!", but like I said, the fact that they are resurrected for another episode is a miracle.

After all, cartoons aren't real life.

"Aw, come on Leela," Fry pleads. "What's the number one reason you won't go out with me? All I'm asking is if you want to go out for dinner with me."

"Fry, I just don't feel like eating out tonight," said Leela.

Once again, she rebuffs his advances. But hey, that's never stopped him from trying.

"Okay Leela," said Fry. "Then how about this..."

Fry is about to say those three words women love to hear from their partner.

"I'll make dinner!"

Leela blinks. And then she starts laughing. When she's done, she speaks. "Fry, you don't know how to cook!"

"Sure I do," said Fry. "I learned from Bender and watching Cooking With Elzar. Come on Leela, what do you say? A home-cooked meal from yours truly?"

Leela sighs. "Fine. Alright. But just once."

"Yes!" Fry punches his arms in the air in delight. "You will not regret this Leela!"

But will you Fry? I'm sure all you fans of Matters of Life and Death have figured out how this will end. And it won't end well.

Otherwise, there'd be no death and no story to tell.

When Fry gets off work, he goes home to the Robot Apartments, a tall building inhabited by robots. Fry is the only human living there. Every room is big enough for a few people to stand up straight in, but nothing more. Fry however lives in the closet of Bender's room. The closet is as large as an apartment in modern day New York.

Fry opens the freezer and takes out hamburger patties and buns and a package of onion rings. He puts the buns in the microwave to defrost and pours some oil on the bottom of a frying pan and places it on the stove to preheat.

Next, Fry exits the kitchen and picks up a book he checked out from the local library. The book contains a collection of pickup lines on how to win a girl's heart in everyday occasions. Fry turns the pages to the section on pick-up lines for use when cooking dinner for a woman.

He clears his throat and begins to recite. "I've set a fine table for you my fair senorita!" He purrs like a cat, but then he shakes his head. "No, not passionate enough. Let me try again."

Fry continues to recite pick-up lines and practise for his big dinner date with Leela. Minutes pass...

Fry suddenly begins to feel a little lightheaded. He's on the verge of passing out. He can barely keep his eyes open.

"Oh man, what I'd do for a cup of coffee right now!" he slurs. Seconds later, he falls to the floor, his face buried in the book.

Fry isn't exhausted or sleepy. His condition is not at all caused by drowsiness or fatigue. Fry hasn't fallen asleep. The truth is, Fry is dead.

Fry made the biggest mistake any amateur chef can make: he left the stove unattended. The overheated oil ignited and burst into flame. The fire began to spread from the frying pan to the kitchen countertop. The heat melted the microwave, releasing toxic fumes, together with the smoke from the burning oil, displaced the oxygen in the air with a deadly combination of carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide.

Fry was so busy rehearsing to seduce Leela, he didn't even notice the smoke coming from the kitchen.

The robot apartment building is not equipped with smoke detectors. Perhaps Fry should have invested in one. After all, he is not a robot. And there is a crucial difference between robots and humans: humans need to breathe oxygen. A smoke detector can also detect harmful gases in the air, which is a good thing because most harmful gases, such as carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide, are odorless and are impossible to detect with the nose. Even a strong sense of smell can't sniff them out.

Fortunately, Fry's death from lack of oxygen spares him from an even worse fate. Within two minutes, the spreading fire engulfs his corpse like a ravenous vulture.

At that moment, Bender returns to the apartment. He opens the door to the closet just in time to see the flames consume the lifeless body of his buddy.

"What the hell?" he exclaims. He runs down the hall shouting "Fire! Fire!" and presses the fire alarm button, determined to look like the hero and save everyone else even though he is mostly only concerned with himself. The alarm sounds throughout the building and all the robots evacuate as the fire spreads.

The fire department arrives to put out the flames. A crowd has gathered outside to watch, Leela being one of them.

When the fire is put out, the firefighters emerge. Two of them are carrying a covered stretcher. One of them stumbles and the stretcher falls to the pavement. The cloth cover falls away. The crowd gasps and screams in horror as Fry's blackened skeleton tumbles out and rolls for several yards.

"Oh my god!" Leela cries out. "Fry!"

Fry tried to impress Leela with some good old homecooking. Instead, he cooked himself and his home. The bad news is Leela isn't a cannibal. The good news is that Fry saved his co-workers the cost of his own cremation.

Either way Fry, you've gone and cooked your own goose!


	10. Art Attack

"Art Attack"

"What a girl wants, a girl gets." Sound familiar? It's an old expression, with a  
lot of truth to it.

If the key to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the key to a woman's  
heart? There's an old saying, "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Many a woman  
has been lavished with gifts from male admirers. Some of these women have gone  
even farther. If she's not getting enough, she'll drop her lover and find another.  
It's sort of like the sport of fishing, if you don't like what you caught, throw  
it back.

Unfortunately for men, there are women like this. Say "hi" to Michelle.

Michelle is Fry's ex-girlfriend from the twentieth century. On the eve of the  
millenium when he was cyrogenitically frozen, she dumped him for another man and  
threw all his stuff out. Ouch. Later, she cyrogenitically froze herself after  
she discovered her husband having an affair with another woman. In the thirty-first century, she was reunited with Fry. But once again, she ended up dumping him for another man. Some people never change do they?

Twice now Michelle has broken Fry's heart. Will he pay her back? Let's find out  
shall we?

"I have something I want to show you?" Michelle's current lover is an artist and sculpter. He leads her into a darkened room blindfolded. He has quite a surprise for her. He turns on the lights and removes the blindfold. "Ta-da!"

Michelle is awestruck at what she sees: a lifesized statue of her, carved from stone with various jewels decorating it. The statue has diamond earrings, ruby lips, pearl eyes, golden eyelashes, sapphire fingernails, and a whole lot more.

"Like it?" he asks.

Michelle smiles. "I love it!" she said. "I'm going to put it in my apartment!"

"I'm glad you like it," her lover boy said. "I worked so hard on it! It pleases me you appreciate my work."

Michelle's words say she loves the statue, but her mind says otherwise. She actually hates the statue. It's the jewelry she loves. She's decided that it would look a lot better on her. What she can't wear, she'll sell. She's only going to transfer it to her apartment so her boyfriend wouldn't see her destroy it for the jewels. Hey, what a girl wants, a girl gets! Right?

Michelle however is also quite vain. She doesn't want to risk breaking a nail to get all those jewels. Her solution: get someone else to do it. I'm pretty sure you've figured out who it is.

"Michelle baby!" Fry greets her as he enters. "How have you been doing?" Fry obviously has forgotten about how she broke his heart twice. Nice guy huh?

"Did you bring the stuff I asked for?" asked Michelle.

"I got them!" said Fry holding up a hammer and chisel that he borrowed from Bender's burglary tool kit.

Michelle leads Fry into her bedroom. No, not for what any other guy would be hoping for.

"Are you sure you want me to do this?" asked Fry. "What will your boyfriend think if I destroy what he worked so hard on?"

"Just do it!" Michelle orders. "I want those jewels!"

"Sheesh! Alright already!" Fry grumbles. He puts the chisel to the statue and goes to work.

First he chips off the eyelashes and the fingernails. Then he sets off to work on the lips.

"Be careful with those jewels!" Michelle warns him. "They're worth a fortune!"

Fry takes out both of the eyes and sets the jewels he's taken out onto the bed. All that's left are the diamond earrings.

Unfortunately, by now the chisel's end is bent. It's useless. He's going to have to do it by hand. He grabs one of the diamond earrings and pulls at it.

"Harder!" Michelle orders him.

Fry pulls harder and harder. The area of the stone ear where the earring hands begins to crack.

"Pull harder dammit!" Michelle says.

Fry's hands by now begin to hurt from all the work.

"My hands!" he cries.

"Suck it up you big baby!" Michelle yells at him. "Suck it up!"

At that moment, the earring comes loose. The sudden freedom of the earring throws Fry backwards to the floor. The earring is flung from his hand at the moment it comes free from the statue and flies...right into Michelle's mouth...and down her throat. She begins to cough and choke, clutching her throat.

Panicing, Fry quickly forces himself up and rushes to her side. "Now don't worry, I know exactly what to do!" He stands behind her and beings to apply the Heimlich manuever. He applies his hands to her torso and compresses down while tighening his grip around her sides. To other women, this may look like a passionate embrace, but it's not.

Fry repeats the process several more times before finally, the Heimlich creates an artificial cough of expelled air, causing Michelle to cough up the diamond earring. Fry releases his grip on her with a proud smile, only for it to vanish once she falls to the floor.

"Michelle!" He gets down on his knees beside her. "Are you alright?" He picks up an arm and feels for her pulse, but finds nothing. "Oh my goodness!"

Fry's Heimlich had saved Michelle from choking to death, but it still didn't save her life.

The Heimlich manuever saves many lives every year. However, Fry didn't perform it correctly. In doing so, he inflicted crushing injuries to Michelle's chest, rupturing her aortic valve, a blood vessel that pumps blood to and from the heart, causing massive internal hemorrhaging that led to rapid death.

Was it an accident? A mistake? Or was it a case of retributive karma unintentionally inflicted by a twice-jilted boyfriend? Whichever way it was, Fry had paid Michelle back for breaking his heart.

Michelle was one of those material women who stayed with a man as long as he gave her what she needed, and more importantly, what she wanted. They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but what kind of friend would kill? In the end, Michelle learned the hard way, "Diamonds don't last forever."

Being dead does!


	11. Jamaican Me Sweat

"Jamaican Me Sweat"

Throughout humanity's history, various individuals from different races have argued which race is superior. Some have even gone so far as to discriminate against others based on the color of their skin. Natives and african-americans, commonly known as "niggers" or "blacks" to racists are the most common victims. Even in the future, racism still exists.

Hermes is a beaurocrat for Planet Express. He is the only non-white member of the crew (Zoidberg doesn't count because he's not human). No one seems to mind. Maybe it's because of the reason that next to Farnsworth, he is second when it comes to power and authority. He is also the most responsible member of the crew, he even has his own office. Hermes is also the only member of the crew who has a family, a wife named Labarbara and a son named Dwight.

Hermes is of Jamaican heritage and is an olympic Limbo champion, but he gave up the sport after a very young fan of his tried to imitate him and died. Still, every once in a while, Hermes will put his talents to good use whenever needed.

"Good news everyone!" Farnsworth proudly announces. "Due to budget cuts and increased profits, Planet Express can now afford to have its own sauna!"

Everyone cheers, everyone except Zoidberg.

"Sure," he complains, "since most of the cuts were taken from my pay!"

"I like the idea of having our own sauna," said Amy.

"Me too!" said Fry. "Finally, a real co-ed steam room!"

"We'll actually have a place to keep warm in the wintertime," said Leela.

A single laugh erupts from Herme's mouth. "As one of Jamaican heritage, my body has adapted to high temperatures! I can outlast all of you on a hot day anyday!"

"Is that a bet?" asked Fry.

"I like a challenge!" said Leela.

"You're on!" said Amy.

"Alright then!" said Hermes, "Sauna in fifteen minutes!"

Fifteen minutes later, two women, three men, and one lobster enter the sauna, clad only in their bathing suits. The men are wearing their swimming trunks while the women are clad in two piece bikini swimwear. As one might expect, Amy's bikini is more skimpy and revealing than Leela's.

Farnsworth stands outside the sauna and closes the door once the others are seated. He turns up the temperature. Inside the sauna, the chamber begins to fill with steam and everyone feels their body temperature gradually climb.

"Whew!" said Fry wiping his brow. "Is it me or is it really hot in here?" He has his eyes on both Amy and Leela.

"It's both!" said Scruffy.

As the temperature continues to rise, beads of perspiration and sweat begin to form and trickle down their bodies. Fry can hardly resist temptation as his eyes watch as thin rivers of sweat travel across Leela's curves and and down Amy's cleavage.

Five minutes have passed since Farnsworth turned on the thermostat.

Amy is the first to admit defeat. "I can't take much more of this!" She cries out as she runs for the exit.

Another minute passes...

"I getting cooked!" said Zoidberg. He runs out of the sauna, whooping.

Two minutes pass...

"I have to use the bathroom!" Fry cries as he runs out.

"Scruffy needs a drink!" said Scruffy as he gets up to leave.

That leaves only Hermes and Leela. Three minutes pass by as they stay in the sauna, sweating away like a pig out of mud.

The others are outside waiting for the final outcome. Finally, the door opens and out comes Leela, panting like a dog in heat.

"Leela! Are you okay?" asked Fry rushing to her side as she falls to the floor.

"What's the matter?" Hermes taunts, "can't take the heat?"

Although Leela is a physically strong woman, the battle is not always to the strongest. In a battle of endurance, even Leela is forced to admit defeat.

"Ha! I win!" said Hermes. "I'm not going to say I told you so, but I did!"

The others glare at him.

"What a bunch of poor sports!" said Hermes smiling. "I think I'll stay in here a little bit longer."

"Suit yourself!" said Fry. "We're all going to take a shower!" He slams the door shut.

Ten minutes later, Farnsworth turns off the heat in the sauna and lets things cool off inside before opening the door. Hermes is still sitting, but he's motionless. Surprisingly, he doesn't gloat about his victory to his co-workers.

Then, they notice that something is wrong. All across Hermes' body, patches of skin have split and peeled away, revealing redness underneath, a result of second and third degree burns.

"Hermes are you okay?" asked Leela. She pokes Hermes' shoulder, causing him to topple to the side like a fallen tree.

"Oh my god! You guys, he's dead!" Leela shouts to her co-workers.

Cause of death? How about massive dehydration? When the body's temperature rises, the body produces sweat to keep cool, using some water retained within the body. Hermes had stayed in the sauna for too long, and with so much water used to produce sweat, his body could no longer cool off and his core body temperature rose to dangerous levels. His vital organs, deprived of fluid, shut down.

Even in the future, racism still thrives. Hermes sought to prove his superiority over his co-workers in a test of endurance. Although he defeated his co-workers in the contest, victory felt like losing, especially when what you lose is your own life. In his own arrogance, he overestimated his body and paid the ultimate price.

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the sauna! Can you learn this lesson? Null sweat!


	12. Apperionitly Dead

"Apperionitly Dead"

What do you call a man who is kind, sensitive, considerate, thoughtful, and respects the feelings of women? Before you answer "Gay", there are men like that. And no, they aren't always gay.

Kif Kroker is the amphibian luitenant of DOOP (Democratic Order of Planets) and assistant to Zapp Brannigan. Kif is everything Zapp isn't: sensitive, romantic, caring, considerate, modest, and non-sexist, which explains why he's more successful in the romance department, even if he only had one girlfriend in his life.

But Kif wasn't always this way. He used to be shy and quiet, but when he met Amy on board the Titanic (no not the one that sunk back in 1914), he fell in love. He called her repeatedly for a year, but never had the courage to talk to her. It was only after their escapade on the Amazonian planet where Kif finally professed his love. The two have remained together ever since and are now married and live together. Their relationship has had many ups and downs, such as when Kif got pregnant (yes really) and Amy didn't feel ready for motherhood. Then there was the time when Kif was killed in "The Beast With A Billion Backs" and Amy slept with Zapp in her grief, but after Kif was restored to life and reconciled with Amy, their love is stronger than ever.

True love can overcome any obstacle...well...except just one. And this time, Yivo isn't around.

It's been a year since they got married. Kif and Amy have made reservations at Elzars for the occassion. No family or friends, just the two of them on a romantic anniversary dinner. Many couples and families are here for dinner. Amy is in a beautiful green dress while Kif is wearing a tuxedo with fancy shoes and a tie.

The two have already placed their orders and now Elzar asks them if they would like a drink, which they do. Since it is a special occassion, they order wine, although Kif gets himself a martini. Luckily, Kif only intends to have one martini as he doesn't want to ruin such a romantic occassion.

When the drinks arrive, Kif pours the wine and drinks his martini, eating the olive right off the toothpick.

Such a perfect romantic evening. Nothing could possibly go wrong, right? Oops, I said it.

"Oh no," said Kif. "Look who's here!"

Even though Kif managed to sneak away from the Nimbus and Zapp to attend his date with Amy, Zapp unexpectantly shows for a kareoke session.

"Brace yourself Amy," said Kif.

"I met her in a club, down in old Soho," Zapp sings. "where they drink champagne that tastes just like coca cola. C. O. L. A. - Cola."

The crowd starts booing. Amy plugs her ears. Kif pushes himself up and storms off towards the stage. No way is he going to tolerate his captain's behavior and allow him to ruin the most romantic evening in his relationship with Amy. Had Kif been drunk, he would have found this amusing. Unluckily for Zapp, Kif is still sober.

"She walked up to me and she asked me to dance. I asked her her name, and in a dark brown voice she said: Leeeeeela. Leeela Lee-lee-leela bah bah bah bah bum de de de de de -"

Zapp never does get to finish as Kif storms up to him and delivers a swift punch to Zapp's face. "Dammit, your hour is over!" He shoves Zapp off the stage and he crashes onto an empty table, breaking it under his weight. The crowd cheers for Kif as his decks his captain.

Kif is filled with a sense of pride for what he's done. He has never worked up the courage to stand up to his commander and give him what he deserves...well, except for when he punched Zapp in the stomach at the end of "Beast With A Billion Backs".

Kif picks up the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, I will take over the entertainment at this moment. I would like to dedicate this to Amy Wong, the only woman I ever have and ever will love."

"Awwwww!" the crowd says. Amy blushes and smiles.

A song begins to play and Kif sings along.

"Wise men say only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay  
Would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling..."

Once again, just when you think nothing can go wrong, it does. You are about to learn the meaning of "irony". Kif doesn't realize it, but he's also got a date with the grim reaper itself.

Kif suddenly stops singing, yet the song continues to play. His mouth hangs open and the microphone falls from his grasp. He clutches his stomach with a pained expression on his face as he falls to his knees, groaning.

Amy pushes herself up from her chair and looks on, puzzled as to what's happening to her beloved. The rest of the crowd, awed by his singing looks on as well in concern. Is Kif experiencing a case of severe indegestion? That's what everyone is wondering. Many of the diners are now worrying that something may be wrong with the food tonight.

But no. That's not the case here. Amy and Kif haven't even received their food yet.

The crowd gasps and screams in horror as Kif suddenly vomits a stream of blood onto the stage. Of course, no one is more horrified than Amy.

"Oh my god!" she screams as Kif collapses and lies still. "Kiffy!" She runs to the stage and kneels at her husband's side, his face buried in a puddle of blood. She takes his hand, it feels cold. There is no pulse.

Looks like the last two lines of Kif's song came true. Talk about ironic!

Bad news Amy, Kif is dead. Worse news, Yivo's not here to ressurrect him.

Amy starts crying uncontrollably at the fact that she's once again a widow, this time for good!

While preparing Kif's martini, Elzar had accidentally broken a toothpick. Not wanting to waste it, he stuck both broken ends into the olive, making it look like a whole toothpick. So when Kif swallowed the olive off the toothpick, he also unknowingly swallowed the lower sharp end of the broken toothpick. It traveled down his esophogus and once it imbedded itself in his stomach, Kif started bleeding internally, with blood filling his stomache which is smaller than a human's. The area where the toothpick had imbedded itself caused an inflamation of the stomache called a perionitis. While this infection would have killed a normal human within a few days, Kif, being an amphibian, was affected far more quickly.

What happened to Kif Kroker is proof that bad things do happen to good people. Love can overcome any obstacle, except the one called death, and it's "till death do us part" for true love.

But Kif Kroker didn't just die.

He croaked!


	13. Plumper Humper

"Plumper Humper"

You're never too old for anything: to learn, to love, or to enjoy life. As in the case of Farnsworth. Like I said, "cartoons aren't real life."

We join Farnsworth early one evening as he knocks on the door to a house in the suburbs of New New York. He's carrying a bouqet of flowers and a box of chocolates.

The door opens and Farnsworth is greeted by a pretty but overweight young woman with a sweet smile. "Hi Hubie," she says. Farnsworth blushes in reply.

Those who have seen "300 Big Boys" will recognize her as that punk girl who spent her tax refund to make herself look thinner just as Farnsworth used his to make himself younger. Recent episodes where she made a cameo appearance had her looking thin again, but blame that error on the producers. Recent commentaries on one episode gave her the name "April".

All you jerks out there, save the mooing and fat jokes for when she's not around.

Recently, April had won a beauty pageant that celebrates inner beauty, where the contestants were all plus-sized. Other than Farnsworth, there were only a few men present in the audience. Not many men are attracted to fat women, preferring those who are slender and beautiful, but Farnsworth is obviously an exception. You can't judge a book by its cover. Anyone who's seen "Shallow Hal" knows that sometimes real beauty is on the inside.

Farnsworth and April are an example of a May-December romance where the age gap between a man and woman in a relationship is very large, as in several decades.  
Hey, just because there's snow on the mountain doesn't mean there's no fire in the oven!

Farnsworth's date with April begins with dinner. Luckily there is no all you can eat buffet. Later they go to the movies, sitting in the balcony where there is room for a plus sized date. Finally, they head back to her house.

Both sit on the sofa, Farnsworth flicking chocolates into her mouth like a dolphin trainer throws fish to the dolphins. And then...

"Want to see my new bedroom?" asked April in a seductive voice. "Or better yet..."

I don't think you need to know. What are you getting yourself into Farnsworth?

"ooooh...yes...yes!" Farnsworth says. "Yes...there...there...no there!"

Both are clad in only their underwear, moaning in pleasure. Farnsoworth is lying on the bed and April is over him, thrusting her enormous pelvis, her hands upon the matress. The lights are out. The only light is coming from the window with a full moon out. A perfect evening for romance.

Like I said, just because there's snow on the mountain doesn't mean there's no fire in the oven!

"Ooooh baby! You are the greatest!" Farnsworth says. "This has got to be the best night of my life!"

Unfortunately, it's also going to be the last night of your life Farnsworth. Know why?

A fat young lady and a skinny old man. There's a clue. You still need another hint? Well what could possibly go wrong? Ooops, there I said it again!

April is breathing heavily, then she shrieks out in pleasure as both she and Farnsworth climax. Once the adrenaline of orgasm ends, April passes out on top of Farnsworth.

Several minutes later, she comes to. Unfortunately, the damage has already been done.

"Oh Hubie," she says seductively, "for an old geezer, you sure know how to please a lady! You're such a better lover than my last boyfriend!"

No reply from Farnsworth.

"Hubie?" asked April in a concerned voice. She reaches over and turns on the lamp, but when the light shines upon Farnsworth, she sees he is all blue in the face.

"Hubie?" she grips his shoulders and shakes him, but there is no response.

A gasp erupts from her throat as she puts her fingers to her mouth. "Oh my god, he's dead!"

You know what they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. But when they fall on you, the consequences could be fatal, as they were for Farnsworth. When April passed out on her skinny old lover like a wrestler pinning an opponent to the mat, her weight pressed down upon Farnsworth's chest, preventing his lungs from expanding and taking in oxygen. With his face buried in her massive bosom, Farnsworth was unable to breathe. As a result, death came as a result of a double whammy: crush-aphixiation and suffocation.

This is why when couples make love, whoever is heavier should be on the bottom. Maybe if Farnsworth and April switched positions, he would still be alive.

Farnsworth learned the hard way, good things don't always come in big packages. Bigger is not always better.

Fat's all folks!


	14. BatHer Up

"Bat-Her Up"

There's nothing more heartwarming in life than the relationship between a mother and her child. Mothers always take an interest in the lives of their children. Many mothers love their children unconditionally, even if her son or daughter grew up to be a mass murderer, she would still love her child.

Unfortunately, there are some mothers would have absolutely no interest in their own children. For these mothers, the welfare of their children is of no concern. As in the case of Mrs. Fry, the mother of Phillip J. Fry.

Mrs. Fry is one of those mothers who actually loves sports. Too much in fact. She cared more about a baseball game when she brought Phillip into the world. She was too busy playing golf when Fry's brother Yancey stole his lucky seven leaf clover. And when Fry himself disappeared, she was more interested in a football game.

In fact, Mrs. Fry and her husband never bothered looking for Fry because they considered it a waste of tax-payers money. Nice huh? If there was an award for "Worst Mother", Mrs. Fry would win, no contest!

Wouldn't it be great if people like her got what was coming to them? Let's find out shall we?

Several years after Fry was cyrogenetically frozen, Mrs. Fry was at Yankee Stadium watching a baseball game. Her seat is high up on the opposite end from home plate along with thousands of other fans. Mrs. Fry is probably the only mother here who didn't bring her children or even her husband. Like any die-hard baseball fan, Mrs. Fry cheers for the homeruns and yells threats at the umpire when he makes a wrong call.

In the bottom of the sixth inning, with the New York Yankees at bat, Mrs. Fry leaves her seat to get get some soda and popcorn. The Yankees' hardest hitter comes up to bat as she makes her way back to her seat and the bases are loaded.

The pitcher throws the ball. The batter swings. Everyone can practically hear the sound of cracking as the bat connects with the ball. The crowd cheers, it's an obvious grand slam. Fans are starting to get up from their seats, eager to catch the ball for an autograph.

Only one can get it of course. You probably already know who it's going to be.

Mrs. Fry sets down her soda and popcorn and stands up shrieking in delight at the home run and for the chance to catch the ball. It's coming in her direction.

Unfortunately, it's also coming right at her.

Before Mrs. Fry can react or get out of the way, the ball flies right into her open mouth and gets stuck between her lips. The force of the impact throws her back into her seat where she lies still. While fans on the opposite end of the stadium are screaming in celebration at the grand slam, those who saw what happened to Mrs. Fry are screaming in horror. Nearby fans rush to her side to see if she's okay. But it turns out, Mrs. Fry is dead.

Hey, that really was great! Maybe there really is a Karma fairy!

How did it happen? The blunt traumatic blow of the ball impact imbedding itself in her open mouth knocked her head backward with enough force to snap her neck. The spinal cord injuries prevented her from breathing and she was dead within moments.

Now that's what I call "Breakneck Speed!"

There's an old saying in life, "For the love of the game." Mrs. Fry was a woman who had more love for sports than her role as a mother. But in the game of life, she was one of today's losers.

Mrs. Fry, you're out!


	15. EIEIOw!

Ever since the dawn of humanity, people have eaten meat, slaughtering animals for food. Some softhearted men and women in protest of this "barbarism" have become vegetarians.

There are those who make a living raising cattle and fattening them for slaughter. These people are called ranchers. These people provide a great service to the meat industry just as farmers grow wheat, fruit, vegetables, and collect milk for the food industry.

Leo Wong is a rancher and the owner of the ranch on Mars. He is the father of former Planet Express Intern Amy Wong. Like his wife, Leo more than anything wants Amy to settle down and have children, yet they are both disappointed by her choice in mate, an amphibian. They had once hoped that she would marry Zapp Brannigan, the captain of DOOP due to his ambition and good looks.

Just as Mrs. Fry was a terrible mother for Fry, Leo is a bad father to Amy because back when she was in her chunky years, he liked to poke fun at her weight and crack fat-jokes. He even denied her right to golf because she was a girl.

Let's see how Leo meets - or rather "meats" - his maker.

Old Leo Wong had a ranch on the planet Mars,  
And on this ranch he raised Buggalo...

What's a buggalo you're wondering?

Buggalo are giant beetles that look like the now extinct cow from the previous stupid ages. No one knows where these animals originated from, but they were domesticated by the martians who once lived on Mars. Buggalo are raised for their milk and for their meat. A local restaraunt also specializes in Buggalo meat.

We join Leo as he is milking the Buggalo. Or rather, trying to.

"Damn it you stupid beast!" he shouts and smacks it on the hard shell. "Hold still so I can milk you!"

"Dad stop it!" Amy cries as she comes upon the scene. "Leave Betsy alone! You're hurting her!"

It wouldn't be a farmer story without the farmer's daughter now would it? Amy is here to visit her parents, bringing Kif with her. Betsy is her favorite of the Buggalo.

"Do I tell you how to do your job?" Leo says rudely to her. He shakes his head as he turns away from his only daughter. "Women, they know nothing about raising cattle."

"Dad!"

Leo has always liked to poke fun at his daughter. It's obvious that he had always wanted a son.

"I could have had a boy but no! I had to have a girl who marries an amphibian! Then again, I'm not surprised. Who would want someone who was once so chunky?" He chuckles.

"Dad! Stop it!"

"You should have been an astronaut because you were always taking up space around home." He starts giggling.

"Quit it dad!"

"When you sat around the house you really sat around the house!" By now, Leo is laughing.

"Alright, that's it, I'm going to the house!" said Amy angrily as she turns on her heels and storms out of the buggalo pen.

"Good, then get the hell out of here and let me do my job!" Leo grumbles.

Leo finally gives up on trying to milk Betsy and storms towards the gate. He slams the gate shut behind him after stepping outside.

But Leo made a terrible mistake. He forgot the shut the gate properly and latch it. Betsy notices this and decides the time has come to take revenge upon the rancher who abused her and insulted her friend.

In the language of the buggalo, Betsy alerts the others and they dash towards the ajar gate, stampedeing toward freedom.

Leo hears a noise similar to the sound of hundreds of running horses behind him and turns around to see dozens of buggalo led by Betsy coming at him, kicking up dust as they charge. By now, it's too late to get out of the way. He barely has time to scream as they are upon him and he falls to the ground, lost in a cloud of dust.

With a Buggalo here,  
And a Buggalo there,  
Here a Buggalo, there a Buggalo,  
All over him was the Buggalo.

Amy, Inez, and Kif come outside to see what the commotion is all about. When the cloud of dust fades away, the buggalo are gone. Leo is lying motionless upon the ground, his body is covered with bruises and blood is oozing out of his mouth onto the ground.

"Oh my god!" Amy screams. "Daddy!"

Leo was literally trampled by the buggalo herd. As they stampeded over his body, bones were broken, including his rib cage. One of the broken ribs punctured his heart, killing him within seconds.

Leo was a mean rancher who made a living raising cattle and poking fun at his daughter. But don't waste your pity on his lost soul.

After all, he-hawed it coming!


	16. Explodead

"Explo-dead"

Robots. Machines with a level of artificial intelligence. Programmed for a purpose with no free will of their own. Someone once predicted that they would take over our jobs. So far, the only jobs they have taken over are those that humans are incapable of doing.

In the thirty-first century, Robots have become part of society. They walk like us, talk like us, and have normal jobs like us. They even enjoy the same past-times like we do.

Bender is a robot designed for bending metal joints, hence his name. He is Phillip J. Fry's best friend in the future and he loves nothing more than to kick back, drink beer, and take whatever's not nailed down.

Yes, you heard right. A robot that drinks beer.

Bender is also a kleptomaniac. He takes whatever he can get his hands on, including other people's property. He has been in trouble with the law before.

"Stop thief!"

We join Bender running through the streets with Smitty and URL in persuit. Smitty and URL are both cops in the New New York police department. Smitty is a human and URL is a robot.

Bender has just stolen a priceless sculpture from the New New York Museum. It's worth a lot of money to the right buyer. And Bender is determined to cash in.

But stealing is frowned upon by society, which explains why Bender is being pursued by the police.

Bender ducks into a dark alley and hides as Smitty and URL race past. He chuckles and congratulates himself on eluding the police and takes off his burglar outfit.

After stashing the sculpture at his apartment in the Robot Apartments for safekeeping, Bender goes to his favorite bar to celebrate. Like any alcoholic, Bender loves to drink beer.

Fembots also hang out around joints like this. Fembots are female robots with bodies designed to match the female human body. Fembots even have hair, shapely hips, and breasts like human women.

"And how will you be paying for this?" asked the bartending bot. "You've built up quite a tab here Bender."

"Aw pipe down," said Bender rudely, "you'll get your money. I'm expecting a big payday very soon."

"And now, for all you manbots out there, for your entertainment and pleasure, the final match of this month's Fembot Oil-Wrestling tournament!" the DJ announces.

Oil-Wrestling is the equivalent of Mud Wrestling. It's a definite spectator sport that is proving quite popular, especially to men when the participants are scantily-clad women.

"The combatants of tonight's contest have fought before," the announcer continues. "Those of you who saw that fight are in for quite a rematch tonight. In this corner, we have Ruth, the previous winner, and in the opposite corner, her previously defeated opponent, Esther."

The participants are Bender's favorite Fembots Ruth and Esther, both of whom are scantily clad. Both Ruth and Esther had oil-wrestled before (no, not counting the Futurama Holiday Special as that episode wasn't even canon). Their last match had ended with Ruth winning and now Esther wants a rematch.

The championship trophy is sitting on a table on the other side of the bar. It's a solid gold trophy that catches Bender's eye. It's another item on his list of things to steal. So while the crowd of cheering man-bots are busy watching the match, Bender swipes the trophy and places it inside his compartment cavity before returning to join the cheering crowd.

So far, Ruth has the upper hand over Esther and it appears that she will win again.

Bender makes his way to the front of the crowd to climb up to the ring for the best view of the fight. He holds onto the ropes and watching excitedly.

"Hey!" the referee shouts at him, "you shouldn't be standing here! It's too dangerous! Besides, you'll interfere with the fight!"

"Bite my shiny metal ass!" Bender says his famous catchphrase. At that moment, Ruth knocks Esther backwards, right into Bender. The blow sends Bender falling to the floor.

BOOM! The moment Bender hits the floor, he explodes. Screams of horror echo through the crowd of manbots. Ruth and Esther hurry to the ropes to see Bender's mangled remains. Pieces of his metallic body and the remains of the golden trophy he stole are all over the place. Smoke is rising from the floor where the explosion occurred.

"I gues this means I won't get paid," said the bartender in disappointment.

That trophy Bender stole was actually constructed out of something called a Butterfly Bomb. The donor was a demolitionist bot who had sculpted it into a trophy to disguise it as Butterfly Bombs were outlawed centuries ago. And the gold? Just plain yellow spraypaint! Fools gold to accurrately put it.

When Bender hit the floor, the impact triggered the bomb's detonator like pressure activating a landmine. Since the explosion occurred within a small enclosed space, Bender was blown into bits. His circuits were also fried, rendering him inoperable and beyond repair.

There's an old saying, crime doesn't pay. Well it does, as long as you don't get caught. Bender may have escaped the long arm of the law, only to run into Karma's embrace.

So long meatbag!

To Be Continued


	17. So-dead

"So-dead"

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" Fry's co-workers, with the exception of Leela, chant as he guzzles down a can of Coke. Once it's empty, he grabs another one and drinks it down too, tossing the empty can aside onto a pile of empty cans.

Leela comes into the Meeting Room where everyone is surrounding Fry as he empties yet another can of soda.

"What the heck is going on here?" she asks.

"Didn't you hear Leela?" Amy asks. "Coca Cola is having a soda drinking contest and Fry has signed up for it!"

"The prize is a year's supply of soda pop!" said Hermes.

"He is going to kill at the competition!" said Bender.

A sudden chill runs down Leela's spine. "Fry, the only killing you'll be making at the competition is yourself!" she said. "You shouldn't be drinking so much soda pop!"

"And why not?" asked Fry as he tosses aside another empty can.

"Fry, don't you remember what happened back in the twentieth century back when you used to drink a hundred cans of soda pop a week?" Leela asks.

"Not really, no," said Fry. Leela slaps herself in the face, appalled at Fry's ignorance and lack of memory.

"Oh wow!" said Amy. "Now I know for sure Fry will win!"

"Fry, drinking all that soda pop caused you to - "

"Hey, put a sock in it Leela!" said Bender. "The champ is in training!"

Fry starts guzzling down another soda. Seeing that her comrades are not listening, Leela turns and leaves.

"Oh real supportive Leela!" Amy shouts after her.

A few days later, Fry is at the soda drinking contest. Five other people are in the contest, including two women, one of which is Farnworth's heavyset girlfriend April. Fry spent the last few days in training for the contest. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, yet he's well alert and prepared for the challenge that lies ahead.

"Go!" the ref said, firing a pistol into the air. A squawk and shower of feathers rains down as a pigeon falls from the sky.

The contestents grab bottles and cans and start guzzling. One man is drinking through three straws. Another is drinking alternately from two cans. April is drinking from two bottles as once. Another man has tilted his head back to drink from a bottle with a neck in his mouth.

The crowd cheers, everyone except Leela.

"Come on Leela!" said Amy, "show some support for Fry!"

"Go my sweet hippopotomus!" cheers Farnsworth.

As the minutes go by, one by one, several of the contestants are eliminated as they spew or spit up soda. One man suddenly drops the bottle he's drinking from, clutching at his forehead and nose while groaning in pain.

Finally, it all comes down to Fry and April. Even now, Leela still isn't cheering for Fry. Both have a two litre bottle of soda pop that they are quickling guzzling, tilting their heads back, allowing the beverage to flow down their throats.

One long minute passes as the crowd is silent, the tension is building up. The question on everyone's mind is: who will win?

No one is more tense than Leela. She is worried about Fry and what will happen.

Finally April spits up and falls to her knees, dropping the bottle while clutching her forehead and groaning in pain. Fry triumphantly removes the bottle from his mouth as the ref raises his right hand. The crowd cheers. Farnsworth claps in disappointment that his girlfriend didn't win. Our favorite crew (with the exception of Leela) are cheering.

Fry raises both hands in victory. "Oh yeah! he cheers. "I win! In your face losers!" He begins to do a victory dance. The other contestants glare at him resentfully.

And then suddenly, Leela's worst fears come to pass. Fry suddenly stops dancing. His smile fades. He gasps. Clutching his chest with both hands, he collapses. Leela is the first to see it coming. (No surprise there)

Gasps of horror erupt from the crowd and the other contestants. The ref kneels down at Fry's side and begins to perform CPR. When that fails to revive Fry, his pulse is checked.

"My god!" the ref announces. "He's dead!"

The crowd gasps.

"Does this mean I win by default?" asked April.

The prize of the contest was a year's supply of soda pop. But Fry's body accepted a completely different award: a fatal heart attack.

Fry and the others should have listened to Leela. After all, she does remember what happened to Fry when he drank a hundred cans of soda a week back in the stupid ages.

"This is nothing! I used to drink a hundred cans of cola every week. Right up until my third heart attack!"

Would Fry survive a fourth? Not a chance!

The soda Fry drank contained caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant which raises alertness and wards off drowsiness. It is the most widely consumed drug in the world. Unlike other drugs, caffeine is legal. Caffeine is also found in coffee, tea, and energy drinks.

In high amounts caffeine is lethal and can cause death, which is exactly what happened to Fry. He had been guzzling down soda in the days leading up to the contest in preparation. Bad move. The combination of extreme caffeine overdose and the adrenaline released by winning the contest was a fatal combination and Fry's overworked heart shut down like an overheated engine.

Fry learned the hard way that there can be too much of a good thing. If ignorance was bliss, Fry would have been the happiest man on Earth. But what you don't know can kill you.

For Fry, it could, it would, and it did! And now, he's so-dead!


	18. The Last Supper

"Hey meatbags!" Bender yells out, "come and get it!"

Today is a special day for Bender to celebrate. And he is actually going to share it with his co-workers. It's the anniversary of when he got his cooking license and beat Elzar in a cooking show. And he's prepared a big meal for the occassion to share with everybody.

Tonight's menu: roast chicken, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, Garden Salad, ham, macaroni, and beef stew. Everyone loads up their plates, taking some of everything before going into the dining room to eat. The food smells absolutely delicious for a change.

"Oh great food Bender!" said Fry. "You finally learned how to cook great food!"

"Aren't you going to join us?" asked Amy.

"Hell no," said Bender. "You know robots don't eat!"

"Whatever. More for us then!" said Amy.

"So long meatbags!" said Bender waving as he walks out. "I'm going to the bar!"

The meal is everything they all hoped for. Delicious. Most of the time, Bender's dishes are terrible, which is why his co-workers often either eat out or eat at home. But today, Bender has actually pleased his co-workers' tastebuds. For once, everyone actually has seconds. Within the hour, everything Bender cooked is gone. All that's left is a pile of dirty dishes.

If you think it sounds too good to be true, it is!

Sometime later that night around midnight, Fry tosses and turns in bed, clutching his stomache in agony. At the same time, Amy is hunched over the toilet in her apartment and vomitting.

"And I thought only pregnant mothers get morning sickness!" she groans.

Leela swallows an super-strength antacid with a glass of water, but nothing happens.

By morning, Fry, Leela, Amy, Farnsworth, Scruffy, Cubert, and Zoidberg all check into the New New York hospital. All are suffering from severe nausea, stomache aches, and diarhea. Treatment with pain killers and stomach pumps fail to improve their condition, and within two days, Fry, Leela, Amy, Farnsworth, Scruffy, Cubert, and Zoidberg are all dead.

While preparing the meal for his co-workers, Bender made several mistakes. One, he didn't store the food properly, positioning the meat above the vegetables, allowing juice from the meat to drip onto the lettuce, potatoes, tomatoes, and peppers. Two, he used the same knife to cut the vegetables and cut the meat. This resulted in cross-contamination of the food. So when Bender's co-workers ate the meal, they all came down with a severe case of food poisoning. Bacteria multiplied in their bodies, producing toxins that shut down their organs.

Luckily, Hermes is spared the same fate as his co-workers as he ate at home with his family.

Not long after this tragedy, the local health inspector revoked Bender's cooking license. He'll need to take a course in safe food handling to get it back.

There's an old saying in life: too many cooks spoil the broth. But in this case, so can one amateur chef. Bender's poor cooking skills resulted in a meal to die for, turning his anniversary dinner in the last supper for his co-workers. And the only satisfied consumer was the grim reaper itself.

To Be Continued


	19. Abracadaver

Meet Cuebert, the youngest member of Planet Express. In spite of the laws against child labor, Cuebert works alongside the professor in his lab. Cuebert is heir to Planet Express. Some say he is Farnsworth's son, but in reality, he is actually a clone of Farnsworth.

We join Cuebert and the rest of the Planet Express crew in the meeting room one evening. Everyone is seated on chairs as Bender prepares to entertain his fellow crew with magic tricks.

"Welcome one and all to Bender the Great!" Bender announces to start off his show.

Cuebert is seated next to his friend Dwight, Hermes' son. Cuebert and Dwight have been to several magic shows before, but like any scientist, Cuebert knows that the magic in the show is all fake. No wonder it's called a trick! (rimshot) As in science, there is always an explaination for how something happens.

One by one, Bender performs several magic tricks, using one of his fellow crew-members for volunteers to help him with some of his tricks. One of his tricks involves sawing Fry in half, putting Leela in a vertical chamber and thrusting swords into it, then opening it to reveal her unharmed.

Cuebert of course knows how each trick is done. He snorts like a pig before telling Bender off.

"There was already a rabbit in his hat to start with!"

"Those legs aren't Fry's! They're fake!"

"There's a hidden door that Leela walks out of from behind and she goes back in before he opens the front!"

The rest of the audience is getting annoyed with Cuebert.

"Hey shut up!" said Fry. "I really like this magic show!"

"Are you an idiot!" snorts Cuebert. "Can't you realize it's all fake?"

Bender takes Amy's watch and puts it under a cloth. Then he pounds it several times with a hammer with a cracking sound is heard. He reaches under the cloth, waves his wand, and removes the cloth, revealing Amy's watch undamaged.

Everyone claps and cheers, except Cuebert who sits with his arms crossed.

Cuebert snorts. "It wasn't even Amy's watch underneath the cloth! He switched it!"

By now, everyone has had it.

"What is your problem Cuebert?" Leela says.

"Why are you here anyway?" asks Amy.

"Hooray!" Zoidberg cheers. "No one's insulting me!"

Bender doesn't like how Cuebert is ruining his show. He decides to perform one last trick.

"For my final trick, I will need one last volunteer!"

"Me! Me! Pick me! Me! Me!" Zoidberg cries.

Deciding to teach Cuebert a lesson, Bender announces, "Cuebert, come on down!"

"Awwww!" Zoidberg groans.

Everyone else grins, wondering what kind of trick Bender will play on Cuebert.

Bender's final trick is the infamous Bullet Catch. The trick involves the magician's assistant firing a gun and the magician catches the bullet in his teeth. But like the rest of his tricks, it's all an illusion.

Bender holds a colt revolver upward and taps his wand upon the barrel. He then gives the gun to Cuebert and steps back several yards away. Unknown to everyone Bender is already holding the bullet in his hand that he slips between his metallic teeth. No one in the audience can see it. And the gun isn't loaded with anything but blanks. Cuebert of course already knows how this trick works.

Cuebert holds the gun towards Bender and pulls the trigger.

Bang! The gun goes off with the sound of a cannon. But something happens that no one expects. (Yeah, as if you knew that already)

It's all over within a second. Something richochets off Bender's body. Cuebert suddenly feels a sharp slicing pain across the side of his neck. Jets of blood being gush out of his neck. Dropping the gun, he falls to the floor, clutching his bleeding neck trying to stop the flow of blood, but to no avail.

The rest of the crew gasp and scream in horror as a pool of blood continues to form around Cuebert's head. Even Bender is in shock at how his trick turned out. He certainly wasn't expecting this.

After an agonizingly long minute, Cuebert's hand falls from his neck and he lies still, dead.

When Bender tapped his wand upon the barrel of the gun, a piece broke off and imbedded itself inside the gun. When Cuebert pulled the trigger, the wand piece became a bullet, but Bender's metal body caused it to richocet and rebound. On its return trip, it sliced through Cuebert's jugular vein, a blood vessel in the neck that pumps blood from the head to the heart. Should this vein be cut, the victim will bleed to death in a matter of minutes.

There's always an explaination for everything, but sometimes all in the name of fun, the truth should never be told. Cuebert was a party pooper who ruined Bender's magic show for his co-workers. But Bender didn't like being upstaged. And so, for his final trick, Bender made an obscene clone fall.

To Be Continued


	20. Slay-Bells Ringing

Christmas is said to be the most joyous time of the year. It is a time when people get together with their loved ones and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. It is a time when people decorate the tree, sing Christmas carols, and dream of sugar plum fairies. Children also know of Christmas as the time when Santa Claus and his eight reindeer bring presents to all the good children in the world. Many a child has sat upon Santa's lap and told the jolly man their Christmas wish.

It's the most Wonderful Time of the Year. With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling to be of good cheer...that's the way it used to be!

But in the future, Christmas, now known as Xmas, has taken Halloween's crown as the scariest time of the year. In the future, Santa Claus is not a jolly fat man with a belly that jiggles like a bowl of jelly, but instead is a maniacal sadistic robot who delights in terrorizing and punishing the naughty. No lumps of coal from this Santa! If you've been bad, watch out! He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sakes!

Better watch out, better not cry, better not pout I'm telling you why! Santa Claus is coming to town!

Twas the night before Xmas and all through Planet Express,  
Everybody was stirring, without cause to be depressed.  
The place was decorated with garlands, lights and stockings,  
It's a beautiful picture indeed, but quit gawking!

We join our favorite crew as they are all having their annual Xmas party. Everybody is here including Leela's parents Morris and Munday, Kif and Zapp Brannigan, Labaraba and Dwight. Well, the only ones not here are Bender who is at his favorite bar trying to pick up fembots and Zoidberg (for obvious reasons).

Fry is sitting on the couch watching a Christmas movie from the stupid ages. Being from the stupid ages himself, Fry is the only crew member with fond memories of what was once Christmas. Back in the old days, Fry like many children sat on the laps of department store Santa's and told the jolly man what he wanted for Christmas. Although Fry now has many friends to celebrate the holidays with, it's just not the same anymore now that it's Xmas.

"Fry what are you watching?" asks Amy as she sits down on the sofa next to him.

"A movie from the twentieth century," said Fry. "It's called `Silent Night, Deadly Night'."

"Sounds creepy!" said Amy. "What's it about?"

"It's about a man who dresses up as Santa Claus and goes on a killing spree on Christmas Eve, punishing the naughty!"

Right now, the scene shows a teenager riding a sled down a hill. Suddenly, without warning, the killer, dressed in a santa suit jumps out from behind a bush.

"Naughty!" the killer yells. Amy watches in shock as the teenage boy screams as the killer swings an axe. A few moments later, the sled arrives at the bottom of the hill, his body lacking a head. His companion screams in terror as the head comes rolling down the hill.

"Oh my god!" Amy cries in shock.

"Relax," Fry said chuckling, "he had it coming! He stole that sled from another group of boys. You just missed it!"

Amy is in disbelief that Fry finds this movie amusing. "Fry, how can you watch this movie at a time like this? Santa Claus is coming tonight! You'll make us all nervous!"

"Relax Amy!" says Fry. "Everybody who dies in this movie deserves to be punished! One guy gets hammered, someone gets gutted, another is strung up with Christmas lights, a woman is impaled on antlers, and - "

"Stop!" Amy shouts covering her ears and running out of the room. "I don't want to hear anymore.

The Children are wide awake, it is too early for bed,  
Yet sugar plum fairies are dancing in their heads.

"I don't know Dwight," said Cuebert, "maybe they're plums made of sugar, maybe they're plums dipped in sugar, I just don't know what."

"But they're dancing CUebert," said Dwight, "they're dancing in my head!"

"That's what happens when you drink too much of Bender's punch!" said Cuebert.

Fry finally finishes watching his movie and joins the party, looking for Leela.  
When he finds her, Zapp is standing next to her, holding mistletoe above his head.

Zapp chuckles. "Hey Leela, I'm under the mistetoe. Make my Xmas!"

"Jerk!" said Leela. "Get under a missile! Make everybody's Xmas!"

Kif laughs, only to be silenced by a glare from his captain.

Fry pours himself a glass of eggnog and helps himself to a drumstick from the Xmas turkey cooked by Bender, then dipping it in cranberry sauce, he takes his first bite.

Zapp tries the mistletoe trick on Amy, but Kif punches him in the face and walks away with her.

It wouldn't be an Xmas party without the gift exchange and Xmas carols. The first  
song everybody sings together around the tree is "Silent Night"

"Silent Night, Holy Night,  
"All is calm..."

But not for long!

Before you can ask "what the hell is the matter?"  
Suddenly, the windows explode with a shatter.  
And what to their terrified eyes did appear,  
Santa Claus, his sleigh, and his metallic red eyed reindeer.

"Ho-ho-ho!" the diabolical robot laughs.

He was constructed all from metal from his feet to his head,  
And you know all too well that everyone will soon be dead.

"You've all been very naughty indeed!" Santa sneers as he steps out of his sleigh. "Now it's time to Wreck the Halls with your guts!"

It's beginning to look a lot like curtains...

He reaches into his pack as everybody panics and dives for cover or begins to run off. He pulls out a large ornament and throws it behind the sofa where Zapp is cowering. He laughs at this offense, but is silenced when it explodes like a grenade.

Amy trips on her dress trying to run away and struggles to pick herself up as Santa approaches her, candy cane with a sharpened end in hand.

"No!" Kif leaps in front of Amy and blocks Santa's path. "I won't let you hurt her! You'll have to get through me first!"

"Fine by me!" Santa says as he grabs Kif and flings him above the fireplace where he is impaled on the antlers of a deer head.

Amy watches in horror. To her, this is even more frightening than Fry's movie.

"Naughty!" Santa yells. Amy barely has time to scream before he runs her through the abdoment with the sharpened end of the candy cane.

Leela hurries to get her parents to safety out the door and turns her head back behind her. Bad timing, for at that moment, Santa throws a star ornament that impales her through the eye.

"Leela no!" Fry cries. Enraged at Leela's death, he grabs a candlestick off the table and charges at Santa, but it doesn't even make a dent in the robot's body.

"Punish!" Santa shouts as he grabs Fry by the neck and tosses him through a window, sending Fry to the pavement in a shower of broken glass. He then tosses the candlestick across the room where it crashes into Farnsworth's skull.

Santa then pulls out his laser gun and shoots up the room. Hermes, Labaraba, Dwight, Cuebert, and Scruffy all fall. Singed flesh surrounds their wounds and blood begins to pool around their bodies. Part of one wall is painted with Labaraba's blood, her body is slumped against the wall.

Within minutes, it's all over. Everybody is dead.

When the ornament bomb exploded, pieces of shrapnel imbedded themselves in Zapp's body, including his skull and his chest. One shard pierced his skull and imbedded itself in his brain, resulting in a quick death.

Being impaled on the antlers of a deer head punctured two of Kif's vital organs, his heart and his stomach. Being supported by a system of very fluid glands, Kif dies of massive internal bleeding.

The sharpened candy-cane end punctured Amy's heart, killing her instantly.

The star penetrating Leela's eye imbedded itself in her brain, rupturing a major artery causing internal bleeding of the brain.

As Fry was thrown through the window, broken glass fragments sliced open multiple major arteries and veins across his body, causing him to bleed out in a matter of minutes.

The blow of the candlestick hit Farnsworth's head with enough force to crack his skull and cause fatal brain damage.

Finally, Hermes, Labaraba, Dwight, Cuebert, and Scruffy are all shot down by Santa's laser gun, all through their chests.

Even if Zoidberg was here, Santa would have given him a present as he is the only member of Planet Express who is on Santa's "Good List". Seeing that Zoidberg isn't here, Santa leaves Zoidberg's present on the floor.

Then laying his finger aside of his nose,  
On his sleigh he climbed and out the window he rose.  
And he exlaimed wickedly as he flew into the night,  
"Merry Xmas to all and to all a bloody night!"

To Be Continued


	21. Valendie

Valentines Day. February 14th is considered the most romantic time of the year. Every year during the days leading up to this occassion, flower, greeting card and candy sales rise higher than the Empire State Building. The people who sell them make a killing.

For couples, Valentines Day is when a man and woman in love express it through gifts, gestures, and time spent together. But for those without someone special in their life, Valentine's Day can get pretty lonely.

Our favorite crew all have someone special to share Valentines Day with. Hermes is taking his wife out to dinner at Elzars. Kif and Amy are going to the opera. Farnsworth and April are going to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Bender is going to his favorite bar to pick up fembots. Fry is taking Leela out to his favorite pizza parlour and then to a dance.

Love is in the air for everyone. And in this story, so is death for one unlucky bachelor.

At Family Bros Pizza, Fry and Leela are enjoying a soda and a pizza with the works. Fry has even put on a romantic song on the jukebox to play for the occassion. At the same time, he is ignoring the stares of a few patrons who can't believe or understand that his date has only one eye.

Love is blind right? And under these conditions, what could possibly go wrong?

See. There I go again. But if bad things didn't happen, we wouldn't have much of a story now would we?

"I got you a gift Leela," said Fry. He takes out a small thing rectangular box wrapped in pink paper with a red ribbon and hands it to her.

"For me?" asked Leela. She pulls off the ribbon, tears off the paper, and opens the box. Inside, she finds a new cuff for her wrist, only it's made entirely out of a clear smooth crystal that resembles diamond.

"Like it?" asked Fry.

"Fry," said Leela, "what's so special about a new cuff for my wrist?"

"Well," said Fry, "it reflects light and creates little rainbows everywhere. Go ahead! Try it out!"

"If you say so," Leela says putting the cuff on her other arm. Fry then holds up a small flashlight and shines it onto the diamond cuff. To Leela's astonishment, a small spot colored like the rainbow reflects back onto Fry.

"It's even more beautiful and spectacular in the sunlight," he says.

Leela smiles. "Fry, this is has got to be the best present anyone has ever given me!"

Little do Fry and Leela realize is that they are being watched. For someone else also has his eyes on Leela. You probably already guessed who it is.

"Hello Leela!" a voice pipes up.

Fry and Leela look away from each other and to their left to see Zapp Brannigan grinning at Leela.

"You!" Leela groans.

"You call that a present Fry?" asked Zapp. "You have to give the girl what she wants. And all women like flowers and chocolates!" He holds up a bouquet of roses and a heart-shaped box of candy.

"Get lost Zapp!" said Fry. "She's with me!"

"You heard him Zapp!" said Leela. "Beat it before I beat you!"

"Come on," Zapp's grin grows. "Why would you want to hang out with this dork when you can be with a real man?"

Apparently, Zapp hasn't learned his lesson at all from "Birthday Bash".

"Look Zapp," said Leela standing from her chair and poking him in the ribs with a finger, "Fry, may not be as good looking as you, but he's generous, kind, caring, and a whole lot more that you aren't!"

"And vice versa!" Zapp beams.

"Come on Fry," said Leela, "let's get out of here away from captain Jerk!"

"Right behind you Leela!" said Fry as he rises. He pays the bill and leaves with Leela.

As Zapp watches Fry and Leela leave, his eyes narrow in anger. His fists clench into fists as he drops the candy and flowers. Once again, he has been spurned by Leela. But in favor of Fry? To a woman, no man is more dangerous than a man whose ego has been scraped.

"Have it your way Leela," he mutters. "But if I can't have you, then neither can Fry!"

Fry takes Leela to a disco club where he shows off his best moves in front of Leela. He invites Leela to join him on the dance floor, encouraging her to show off her new diamond wrist cuff. The lights from the neon ball shine upon it, painting hundreds of miniature rainbow spots everywhere. The more she sees what it can do, the more Leela enjoys her present.

The DJ changes the song from a dance hit into a romantic tune. Every couple gets out onto the dance floor and slow-dances in each other's arms. Fry and Leela are no exception. If Zapp were here, he would be boiling with jealousy.

Oh wait, he already is boiling with jealousy. In fact, he will soon blow off his cork.

After leaving the disco, Fry begins to escort Leela home like a true gentleman.

"Thanks for the night out Fry," she said.

"My pleasure Leela," said Fry. "I hope you had a happy Valentine's Day."

"Well it ain't over yet," said Leela. "And I just once again want to thank you for the present you gave me. I regret that I don't have anything to give you."

"Oh really?" asked Fry with a smile. "You know Leela, good things don't always come wrapped up in ribbons and paper."

Leela grins. "You're right."

The two stare at each other longingly. Their faces draw closer. But just as their lips are about to connect, a dark figure emerges from a nearby darkened alley several meters away and pulls out a laser gun, aiming it at Fry. Fry doesn't see him, but Leela does.

"Fry! Look out!" she cries. A split second later, the gunman fires his weapon, emitting a pink laser aimed at Fry's heart. Leela quickly pushes Fry out of the way, putting herself in harm's path and holds up the arm wearing the diamond cuff. The laser beam reflects off the crystal, right back at the gunman. Before he realizes what has happened, the laser cuts right through his chest. He screams in pain and agony for several seconds before his cry is silenced forever and he keels forward.

Fry can't believe what has just happened. His gift to her has actually saved his life!

"Leela, you just save my life!" said an astonished Fry as he hugs her. "And that's the best present you could ever give me!"

"Don't thank me Fry," said Leela. "Thank your present!"

But the question on both of their minds is, who was the gunman?

They run towards the darkened figure's lifeless body. As they approach, the stench of burning flesh attacks their sense of smell. Fry struggles to hold down the pizza as Leela rolls the man over on his side.

"Oh my god!" she shrieks as she jumps back.

It's Zapp Brannigan. A large gaping hole has been cut through the front of his clothes and even through his heart. A large puddle of blood is spreading underneath his body.

Fry can't hold down the pizza anymore and vomits into a trashbin.

When Zapp fired the laser beam, it bounced off of Leela's cuff and rebounded back at him. The shot meant for Fry burned through Zapp's chest and heart. Damage to the heart caused it to shut down. The heart is often considered the most important part of the body. Without it, the body cannot sustain life. Zapp's cause of death: Cardiac arrest.

Valentines Day is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year. But for those who miss out on love, that's another story. Love is the most powerful force in the world, but hell hath no fury like a man or woman scorned. Driven by his own jealousy and anger fueled by being rejected, Zapp Brannigan tried to murder Fry, but his plan backfired and left him with nothing more than a broken heart.

But hey, hearts were meant to be broken!


	22. April Fool

The New New York City paramedics walk outside of Planet Express, carrying a stretcher covered by a white sheet cloth. But the sheet by now is stained red with blood. Underneath is what's left of one of the crew members. The police are also on the scene, investigating what they think is a murder, but in the end, the death is ruled as the result of an April Fools Day prank gone horribly wrong.

What exactly happened? Let's go back in time shall we?

It all begins when Leela opens the refridgerator, pours milk into a glass, and drinks...only to suddenly spew it out.

"Yuck! The milk went bad!" she says wiping her mouth.

Laughter behind her is heard. She recognizes it as Fry. "April Fools!" he shouts at her, pointing his finger. He laughs some more.

It's April 1st, commonly known among Earthlings as April Fools Day. It's the time of year when people play practical jokes amongst each other for fun.

Fry has been pulling pranks on his co-workers one at a time. He started by replacing Farnsworth's false teeth with mechanical clattering ones. Imagine Farnsworth's surprise when he put them in his mouth and when he started talking.

Next, Fry poked holes in each of Bender's beer cans, emptying them down the sink before putting them back into the refridgerator. Bender received quite a shock when he tried to take a drink.

Fry then replaced Amy's suntan oil with cooking oil. Let's just say Amy suffers a severe case of sunburn as a result. Now anyone who comes into Planet Express might mistake her for Labarbara.

But it's not until he unplugs the refridgerator and causes the milk to go bad that Leela decides "Enough with enough!"

Leela gets together the rest of the crew (minus Fry of course). Bender is surly because his beer cans were empty. "He poured my alcohol down the drain!"

"He gave me a sunburn!" Amy cries. "Ow!" She winces.

"He gave me an exploding pen!" said Zoidberg, who is covered in ink.

"Whatever," the others say. Obviously, no one cares. Zoidberg groans and runs from the room crying.

Farnsworth has to take the clattering teeth out of his mouth in order to speak. "He replaced my false teeth with these.

The others chuckles.

"Well, you have to admit it was kind of funny," said Hermes. "Right Labarbara?"

"I'm Amy!" Amy yells at him. "And it's all Fry's fault my complexion is ruined! Ow!"

"And now he unplugged the fridge and the milk went bad! Now he's gone too far!" said Leela.

Together, Leela and the others formulate a plan to get even with Fry. But even you and I know it won't end well. After all, revenge does have a way of stabbing people in the back. Not that way!

At lunchtime, the crew orders out for submarine sandwiches. When the food comes, Leela asks Farnsworth, "is it ready?"

"Here it is!" said Farnsworth holding up a small plastic capsule containing a brown powder inside. "I believe I may have concocted the mother of all laxatives!"

"Perfect!" said Leela.

When the food is served, Leela slips the pill into Fry's sandwich between two layers of corned beef and lettuce. As Fry chows down, the others are barely able to control smiles from spreading over their faces.

"What's so funny?" he asks, noticing his co-workers glee.

"Oh, nothing!" said Leela. She starts to chuckle.

Fry decides to shrug it off as he finishes his sandwich.

"How long does it take before it begins to take effect?" whispers Leela.

"Only about a few minutes," Farnsworths says.

Fry rises from the table, taking his empty plate with him. At first nothing happens, but then...

"oh man!" Fry clutches his stomach with a groan, dropping his empty plate onto the floor where it shatters upon the floor.

"Oh man!"

The others start to grin as their revenge begins.

"Oh man!" Fry drops to his knees and rubs his stomach with both hands. It seems that he is suffering the mother of all stomachaches. Not quite the expected effect Farnsworth and the others were hoping for. But that's nothing compared to what happens next.

What happens next is something even the crew wasn't prepared for. They wanted to get even with Fry, but not in this way. Remember what I said about how revenge has a way of stabbing people in the back? Not literally. But let's just say things didn't go exactly as they had hoped.

"Oh man!"

Fry's stomach begins to bulge and expand like a balloon.

"Oh man! Oh...oh no! Oh man!"

His stomach grows bigger and bigger and bigger just like Violet Bearuguarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Within a minute after the pill took effect, his stomach is bulging out like an obese couch potato.

"Oh my god!" he exclaims.

And then, without warning, it happens. Fry's stomach explodes, showering the surrounding area in front of him with several of his internal organs including his intestines and painting the floor and nearby wall with blood.

The others scream in horror.

"Fry!" Leela screams as he collapses. Everyone rushes to his side, but it's quite obvious that Fry is dead.

It turns out that laxative Farnsworth concocted was actually a completely different substance. While there are drugs that can relieve bloating and gas pressure, this drug actually had the opposite effect. Once the capsule made contact with the digestive acids in Fry's stomach and dissolved, the combination of stomach juice released a powerful chemical reaction, releasing massive amounts of gas which caused Fry's stomach to expand like a balloon. Once the pressure became too much, Fry's stomach burst in a lateral explosion in the matter of the first phase in the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens. Massive blood loss and evisceration ends all life in Fry as we know it.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And then it's hilarious! But in the end, Fry wasn't laughing.

He was dead!


	23. Slurm Term

Grunka-lunka dunkidi-doo,  
I've got a good story to tell you.  
Grunka-lunka dunkidi-dee  
If you are wise you'll listen to me.

In the future, there is a highly addictive drink called Slurm. Slurm is so delicious, it's easy to get addicted. And Phillip J. Fry is one of the biggest addicts to this futuristic soda.

Fry is one of the few people in the whole universe who knows the truth about Slurm, it's actually just slug secretion! Yeah...I know. The irony is that despite it's disgusting secret (and only ingredient), Slurm is incredibly delicious. Although the discovery of the secret would have led to it getting banned, Fry's addiction prevented this from happening.

As I said in chapter 8, addictions can sometimes have lethal consequences. But big-surprise, this story isn't about Fry. Let's have someone else in the spotlight for a change.

We join Phillip J. Fry on his break one warm summer afternoon as he guzzles down another can of Slurm. He rarely goes without one for fifteen minutes. Once he empties the can, Fry drops it into the recycling bin and hurries off back to work. There's only one more can of Slurm in the fridge that he plans to drink after work.

Once he returns to the fridge after work, he opens the fridge to get the last can of Slurm, only to discover that it's gone!

While Fry was off at work, Labarbara, Herme's wife dropped off their son Dwight at Planet Express for her husband to watch over while she went off on some errands. While looking for something to drink, Dwight found the last can of Slurm in the fridge and drank it. It was Dwight's very first taste of Slurm, and once he had a taste, it was the beginning of it all.

Dwight is the only son of Hermes and Labarbara. He wants to be a bearucrat like his father and already shows promise. Cubert is his best friend and the two are often seen playing games together with Bender.

Dwight loves the taste of Slurm so much that he decides he has to get more. Like any addiction, it begins small. Harmless at first. But as addiction grows, people tend to neglect the more important things in life.

Once he gets home, Dwight smashes his piggy bank and carries the money to the local convience store where he spends it all on Slurm. Over the course of the next two days, he guzzles it all. It's the only liquid that he drinks. He drinks it at mealtimes instead of water and he drinks it instead of juice. His addiction is starting to get stronger.

What do you get when you drink lots of Slurm,  
Addicted to it like a girl to her perm?  
Don't you know that Slurm comes out of a slug's ass?  
What do you think will come of that?

I don't like the look of it!

Within a month, Dwight has drunk hundreds of litres of Slurm, enough to rival Fry's addiction. To fuel his addiction, Dwight uses the money from his paper route. Once he's out of money, he starts stealing money from his mother's purse and his father's wallet while they're asleep.

Addiction is a nasty fate isn't it? But that's nothing compared to what fate has in store for Dwight. He doesn't realize that his health is starting to fail...

His parents notice the change in their son's health, just as they're starting to notice money missing from their wallet and purse.

And then, one morning, Dwight doesn't come to breakfast. When his parents come to check on him, they find him still lying in bed. But it turns out that Dwight isn't still asleep...

Dwight's addiction by now was so strong, only one thing could stop it: death.

Grunka-lunka dunkidi-doo,  
I've got a perfect puzzle for you.  
Grunka-lunka dunkidi-die,  
How did Dwight Conrad die, let's found out why!

Dwight drank so much Slurm, he came down with a severe case of diarrhea. He started having to go to the bathroom more often than usual. Because he was neglecting to drink water, his body's electrolytes could not replenish themselves or the water his body lost with each bathroom break. The result was a severe case of dehydration. What also kills Dwight is a severe potassium defiency and the failure of his kidneys to properly filter out waste from his blood.

Drinking more water, juices, sports drinks, and any other fluid with water in it could have prevented this tragic end to a powerful addiction.

After all, Slurm is just slug-excrement!

Grunka-lunka dunkidi-da,  
If you're not stupid, you will go far.  
You will live in happiness too,  
Like the Grunka-lunka dunkidi-do!


End file.
